Saturday, May 28, 2011

Here's the reason why.

It's my 2nd semester in IIUM Gombak, or also known as UIA. My second semester as a BEN student, which stands for Bachelor of English. No more a student of ENMS, which stands for Economics and Management Sciences for two semesters. And people I meet still ask why do I switch courses. Why didn't I switch while I was doing my foundation? It's definitely harder to do a completely new course without the basics. And here I am, jumping straight into an unknown depth of faith. 

Truth is, I still am finding the reasons from within myself. Why do I switch and why now? When I was in foundation, I was really excited to do Economics. It has great job prospects, and stuffs like that. But then again, I struggled. I was staggering through my subjects, I found myself studying without fully understanding it. I was always with my phone, texting people to ask questions I should know, calling people to ask for better understanding. 

I managed to drag myself to finish it in a year and a half.

It was supposed to be a year. 

But I got caught up. Only my close friends knew. I still vividly remember, when a lecturer informed me that there was no way that I can finish up my studies in a year, right after I went out the office door, I hung my head low, cupped my hands to my face and cried. Right in front of my male friend. And then my female friend came along, and I hugged her so tight I feel as though I am strangling her, but I need to hold on her for support, for my world has crashed.I cried for a brief moment though, for we all had a class to attend to. And I'm assigned to do a presentation. Halfway through the presentation, my eyes watered up, my throat feels as though there was a big lump, but I managed to compose myself, as my friends were smiling and supporting me. That was the day I know, we will all still be friends no matter what happened. On the last day of the year, many was wishing me "Goodluck, see you in Gombak next sem!". 

They thought I was joining them. 

I wasn't. 

When  my close friends told me goodbye, I hugged them all and didn't cry. Except for one. We cried and didn't speak a word to each other. I hugged her tight, I was afraid that letting go of it was a significant sign that everything will be over for me. I was afraid of the future.

However, fate has other plans for me. I managed to end my foundation as a ENMS student. And I started my new beginning as a BEN student. It took me some time to get through it, but eventually I did, thanks to my very understanding lecturers and supportive mates. 
I've always thought that I wouldn't be associated to ENMS anymore. Well, for my term paper I had to write on economic-related topics for one whole semester. This semester, my Arabic class is situated in the Economics faculty. And just today, my roommate asked me about accruals. 

So much for running away. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe it's a way that God wants to show, it will always be a part of my life, no matter how small it is. I still miss my old course, of course I do, those pesky numbers. I still keep my calculator :)

I think I'll stick to my path now. It's not those kind of "road not taken" moment. It's I took one, decided it wasn't good for me, and diverted my path. And I'm glad I did. I regret myself for regretting. Those times were great, but now it's wonderful.