Child

My heart goes out to all those broken families. It is sad, to see the family that you build, go haywire and tangled up, and then broken and lost. And its much worse, to see their kids. Sometimes, as they are young, they don't understand what's going around. But some, they grow up older than their age because of this.

Recently, a family came by my house. A pair of grandparents and their granddaughter about the age of 7. The little girl's parents are currently divorced. The father had left them, and the mother had to work somewhere else to support herself and her little daughter. Hence, the daughter is under the care of her grandparents.

The girl was at first soft, and then she turned hyper. She faked a big laugh almost every 5 minutes so that people will notice her. And she did naughty things too, though she is not naughty. Because when I commented on her behaviour, she relented immediately. She only wants attention.

After a while, I asked where is her mom, and she responded " Tu kat depan tu, mak saya tua kan" referring to her grandma. And when I asked where is her dad, she responded " Ayah kat depan, ayah tua jugak kan". I was shocked. She referred them as her parents, and not her grandparents. that shows how broken is the home.

We chatted for awhile, when I suddenly asked her where is she from, and she said " Tempat jauh. Lame pulak tu nak sampai. Dalam kereta ade 2 bantal je, tapi xde selimut. Sejuk". I then responded, why don't you cuddle to your grandma? Because we all know, that human can provide a soothing warmth. Her answer really shocked me, she said " Mak tak suke saya peluk. Mak pernah cakap jangan peluk dia".

Its sad really, for her. Maybe her grandma refused to do so, as she resembled her father. Then again, she is only a child. An innocent child. :(

I used to have this when I was young. Its a Cabbage Patch doll. I called her Judy. I missed my childhood. And sometimes, I realised. That sometimes I act childish, because I want to re-connect with my childhood. I wish I could correct some. But everything's done. And I threw her away.

It Never Ends

Its been awhile, really. Its been awhile that I've been sick. Back at Nilai, I'm known for being fragile and weak. During taaruf, I fell and my left foot started to swell. And down with high fever. Skipped some taaruf activities, and then it got too swelled up, and I end up at the hospital -.-

Then the first few weeks of class, I had to limp my way to class. Even got stopped by the 'mak guards' and lecturers. And boy, that's how probably half of the CFS knows me, " perempuan yang kaki bengkak tu". Aish.

After that, I went down with severe food poisoning due to the spicy foods. Skipped a few classes with that reason. Since then, I was a regular patient at the clinic. There was even this one time, I had this terrible period pain, but I need an MC to not go to class. I walked very slowly, or shall I say, excruciatingly to the clinic. Got my meds, got my MC. And then the unexpected- I'm allergic to the meds. It made my eyes swollen, that I had to squint to see. And yes, a long way back to the clinic for the cure.

So anyway, last Mon I was down with flu. But I hold on to it. By the next day, I was down with fever as well. It lasted for two days. I'm okay now, but I still have the remains of flu. Oh, and a new cough virus caught up with me. I know, I know. Fragile. -.-

Past Halloween

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Now I don't celebrate them. I don't remember being invited to one for few years. Though I still get excited to look at the decorations :D

Back then in my childhood days, my friends were mostly non-muslim. Even if they are, they were the open-minded kinds. I remember there was this one year, my friend organized a Halloween party. Being a child, and dressing up seemed exciting, I pleaded my Mum to send me to the party. I went there as a cowgirl. Haha. Well, almost. I had this retro pink blouse with colourful frays at the cuffs, and a pair of bell bottoms. Oh, and I had no hat -.-

There were many other girls who really showed their effort. They wore tutu skirts, with handmade wings ( out of cardboards) attached to their shoulders, and even made wands with a huge glittery star at the end.

But in the end, I won the best outfit. The judge? My bestfriend ;)

Haha okay biased. Then again, kids are biased. I think. So as a gift for my costume, I received a pink glass bracelet made of glass beads, and a box of chocolates. And I still keep the bracelet :D

Weak.

Everyone has their own strength. From what I've know (and experienced), I don't have much. I rely on other people. When something bad happens, when an obstacle turns up, I seek other people. For their strength. And comfort. I've always thought I am an optimistic. Filled with positivity. Well, I do, but at times that I really should, I don't.

I always though that I am a happy and bubbly person. But when I fail to do something, I fall. Hard.Maybe its normal. Its just that I am not accepting it. Still in denial. Hoping that if I didn't say out loud, it won't come true. Or at least I thought so.

Then again, from these things we rise. It takes time, but hey, if it isn't hard, nobody hates failure anymore.

But I still do.

Less by one.

Today, I had a dentist appointment in the morning. I had mentally prepared myself, that she is going to remove two of my lower wisdom teeth and the jab will hurt a lot.

Wrong answer.

She removed only one today. Its the easy one. For the other one that requires surgery, next week. Oh god. And the easy was upper, the latter the lower. And I was mortified. I was nervous, shaking, shivering. And I could hear my heart thumping : THUMP THUMP THUMP. So loud that I felt that the people around me can hear it.

She gave the jabs. I was afraid, so I squeezed the assistant's hands tightly. It hurts slightly, and that's all. After a while, I could feel my cheek expanding. She tested by poking it, I said I could feel the pressure AND a slight pain. She said if I still can feel, I require more jabs. I said no.

Wrong answer.

It hurts. And she was, I don't know, cracking the tooth? I could feel it! So I got a total of 4 jabs. Great. So 4 tight squeezes for the assistant. Haha.

So now, my cheek is still swollen, and my gum bleeding. And I'm hungry, and I can't bite. I am so desperate that I had to suck on little crumbles of Chispmore to feed my appetite :(

Nope, Not Mine.

Its quite a common scene where the younger siblings are taller or bigger than the eldest. Since I am the youngest, I get to be tall one. Well, I wouldn't call myself bigger than my sister really. Since I am taller, obviously I have longer legs and arms to be in proportion with the rest of my body.

And my sister is one small person. I currently stands at 5 feet 3, and she stands slightly over than 5 feet. We weighs the same. We have almost similar sizes of clothings, only my shoulders are bit bigger than hers. It doesn't make much difference because we usually swap clothes. As for pants, we can wear each other's. But definitely not jeans. She has shorter legs :p

But my mom doesn't see all that. She still gets mixed up with our clothes, randomly putting whichever she thinks belong to us. What's worse: panties. I assumed they all look the same to her ( obviously). So what I did to clear her confusion is to point out which ones are mine.

I told her that mine are the plain coloured ones. A simple one colour panty. And then she pulled one from the pile of clothes. " So this one is not yours right?" she said. I looked at it, and said, " Its mine la mummy." Then she continued lecturing me, even suggesting me to label my own panties so as she won't mix them up, bla bla bla. Why? The one that she pulled out was grey, with pink edges and a ribbon. So much for plain. -.-

Dreams We All Have

The other day I was talking with him about our dream house. And then I realised, I have a lot of dreams. :/ Really, if and only if I have all the money in th world, oh my. My house will be gorgeous. Then again, you have to work hard for them. Meaning you'll appreciate things more, especially free things (?).

Anyway, what I really want is a big kitchen. I love baking, so a big space will be great. I want an island table in the middle of the kitchen, and maybe electrical stoves on top of it and a small sink to go with it. Thing is, when I bake, I like to prepare the ingredients earlier and measure them, and then proceed to put them into individual bowls. I have this annoying tendency to arrange them in front of me, because if they're not, I'll panic and most probably misplace them. Trust me, I did -.-

And then, bedrooms! I want them to be cosy and comfortable. Not necessarily expensive, but cosy is a definite yes. Want it to be calm and soothing, a place I can relax my mind, and my body. Mmmm..

I saw this in an ad a few years ago. Its called Rain Sky if I'm not mistaken. Fix it to the ceiling, (idk how) and then turn it on. It feels like rain! :D Okay, a bit ridiculous, but still, its nice right?

Oh and oh, I want a jacuzzi! By the window pleaseee. So I can have a nice relaxing bath with all the soft candles and fragrant bath oils and see the shining stars at night..total bliss.

I'd like a bench swing too, and a nice garden with rabbits scampering about between the jasmine plants, and a fish pond. Oh and big plush sofa sets with thick carpets that you have to wade as you walk on it, and cold marble tiles, and a spiral grand staircase, and this huge circular rattan bed with a mattress on it, and a hammock, maybe two, and a fireplace. Fireplace? In Malaysia? Well, I just want the place. Without lighting the fire please :)

Okay, that's a long list -.-